Burning Down the Clubhouse

December 2009

I want to torch the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

Generally, I’d never consider resorting to violence when it comes to cartoon characters, but having repeatedly watched several mind-numbing episodes of the Disney Channel show, I think my desire might be justified.

I’m not a big television viewer. I pretty much stick with movies, hockey and Charm School. (Yes, I’m kidding about that last one.) It’s not that I’m anti-television or a TV snob, it’s just not how I prefer to spend my limited free time. When I was growing up, my parents watched every program that featured gun fire, and I suspect I developed some type of cop-show burnout because of it. Bernadette watches “24” but has banned me from the family room when it’s on because she’s tired of hearing me criticize Jack Bauer for not shooting out the tires of the weekly getaway car.

With Penelope, Bernadette and I limit the amount of time (one hour maximum per day) and the television programs that our daughter watches. In fact, the only three shows we allow her to view are Sesame Street, Little Einsteins and the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

Recently, Penelope and I sat down to watch “Mickey’s Camp Out” before bedtime. Perhaps it’s an unhealthy dose of cynicism that impels me to look for veiled messages in seemingly innocuous cartoons, but I noticed something peculiar.

To earn “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Campout Badges” the gang — which consists of Mickey and Minnie Mouse, Donald and Daisy Duck, Goofy and Pluto — must travel to a park and set up a tent. Now, I was confused right off the bat because if it’s Mickey Mouse’s Clubhouse then who is giving out the badges? Is Mickey a puppet master who gets a rise out of jerking his friends around? Or is there a mysterious hidden power lurking behind the clubhouse pulling the strings?

The gang travels to the park, and Herr Mickey figures out sleeping arrangements. Since there are three tents and six campers, they break into groups of two. Donald Duck is immediately pissed off because he has to share a tent with Goofy. Now I suspect Donald is upset for two reasons. First, if there’s one clubhouse member who’s gay* it’s Goofy, and Donald isn’t wearing any pants. Second, I’m convinced Donald’s got some Shunga erotic massage oil and a mojo bag hidden in his cap, and he’s got his beady little eyes fixed on Daisy. But naturally, Mickey the Killjoy puts Minnie and Daisy together. A sexually frustrated Donald storms off by his lonesome, refusing to bunk with Goofy.

Now, on each episode Mickey has a device at his disposal called a “toodles,” which contains four Mouseketools to help him out of a jam. For example, he’ll have a fishing rod with a hand on the end of it, or a set of keys or an ice cream cone that he’ll use to plug a leaky boat (yea, like that’s gonna work). I’m not exactly sure what kind of lessons in responsibility and preparedness are being taught here, but I’m Mickey Mouse clueless when it comes to these matters. Actually, I would have loved a “toodles” when I was in college as long as it contained beer, pizza, cigarettes and truck-stop speed. (Note to my sister: If you are going to pass this blog along to our parents, please excise this paragraph. Actually, maybe it’s best if we keep this one to ourselves.)

Anyway, long story short: All the tents except Donald’s meets some tragedy, so everyone is forced to bunk in Donald’s crib. Donald, of course, is as happy as a Porky Pig in mud because he’s hoping to take Daisy on a ride to his magic kingdom.

But, I bet things don’t end as Donald hopes. Daisy’s the smartest egg in the clubhouse. In another episode, Daisy, Mickey, Pluto and Goofy travel to Mars to meet a character as annoying as Mickey Mouse: Yep, it’s Martian Mickey Mouse. For some reason they bypass Daisy and elect Goofy to captain the ship. I was thoroughly incensed and clamored about sexual discrimination. I mean who picks Goofy to run anything! Granted this country elected Goofy president twice, but I expect my animation writers to be smarter than your average voter.

I think Donald would have better luck with Minnie, but I’m not sure how the whole mouse-on-duck love thing would work. Species rightfully tend to stick together. Even in that crappy song by America from the 1970s, it was: “Muskrat, Muskrat candlelight.” You didn’t hear them singing: “Muskrat, Hermit Crab candlelight.”

Besides, if I were Donald I wouldn’t trust Minnie. I’d never trust a woman who owns only one pair of shoes and those are two sizes too big for her feet.

The other cartoon Penelope watches is “Little Einsteins.” Each episode features a piece of art by, say, Monet or Degas, and a classical composition by Mozart or Beethoven. That idea for the show I find clever, but I’m not so sure sometimes about the brain power of the four Little Einsteins. The kids travel around in a rocket ship which they never fly when they get stuck in a jam. For example, they’ll have to find a missing puppet in a maze and rather than fly over the maze, they’ll drive around in it. So, I have a hard time thinking of these kids as a couple of Einsteins. Then again, I guess no one would let their children watch a show called “Little Dumbasses.”

Look, I realize I’m watching these shows through the immature eyes of an adult, but would these Einsteins have had a prayer if confronted with the likes of Dick Dastardly and Muttley? I doubt it. But what do I know? Thanks to Martin Zellar, I still think Lancelot Link could have captured Osama bin Laden five years ago.

(*Note: I cast no sexual-preference asperions here. I just wonder about Goofy from time to time, that’s all.)

Tryptophan Triptych (Part 3)

November 26, 2009

Few holiday moments compare with the brief anticipatory Thanksgiving Day pause when your dinner plate is arranged exactly the way you want. You’ve sprinkled the salt and pepper over the turkey; buttered the corn and dinner roll; arranged your foods so the cranberry sauce isn’t touching the stuffing; and poured the gravy into the mashed-potato swimming pool. That was how I arranged my meal, my fork hovered six inches above my plate. . . .

Then three little words from Penelope brought my culinary swoon to a screeching halt. “YIN YAN YAO!” I don’t know if any of you remember a TV program from the 1970s called “Emergency!” but it popped into my mind at that moment because every time paramedics Johnny Gage and Roy DeSoto sat down to eat dinner, the loudspeaker would blast: “Rampart 51! Rampart 51” and off they’d run to rescue some dopey teenager trapped in a sewer pipe with his pet alligator.

I’ll skip over the actual visit to the bathroom, but let me just note that by the time I stumbled my way back to the table with the toxic toddler, I wondered if my appetite would recover. Of course, it did. My sister Sue is a terrific cook, and my Mom makes the best pumpkin pie this side of the Great Pumpkin’s pumpkin patch.

I learned something new this Thanksgiving that I’m going to pass along to you. If you like wine, do yourself a favor and get an aerator. An aerator will expose more of the volume of the wine to the air, allowing the wine to breathe properly. You can pick one up for about $25, and trust me, you will be amazed at the improvement of the bouquet, taste and finish of your wine. We were using the aerator on everything from a decent Merlot to a bottle of Yellow Tail Pinot Grigio and comparing it to non-aerated wine. The difference was astounding. Oh, did I mention my sister and brother-in-law watch an awful lot of QVC?

Anyway, I discovered this Thanksgiving that my family isn’t very skilled when it comes to passing food around the table. Now, I know what you might be thinking: With all that aerated wine, everybody was too shellacked to pass food around. But that’s not true because only a few of us were drinking, and my daughter sobered me up plenty during her bathroom break. This poor familial food distribution skill means you better like what’s sitting in front of you. Naturally, I wound up seated beside the big heaping bowl of rutabaga, and all the turkey, mashed potatoes and stuffing were partying together at the opposite end of the table. But, I considered my wanderings around the table as an opportunity to work off a tiny bit of the meal. Now if only the table were a mile long, that might have actually worked.

But the best thing about Thanksgiving was finally getting my side of the family together under one roof for the first time in 13 years, and for Penelope to spend time with all her cousins. And while I thought for a moment that I heard my little Pop Tart pick up her toy cell phone and ask the Chinese embassy to take her back to the mother country and away from the insanity, I realized the tryptophan had indeed kicked in. Actually, this year we skipped the annual Thanksgiving tradition that puts everyone to sleep: watching the Detroit Lions.

Two days later, I squeezed myself behind the car steering wheel for the long slog back to New Jersey. We handled the 13-hour journey in one day, and Penelope was an angel through most of the car ride. (She did get a little cranky in West Virginia.) If she wasn’t sleeping or snacking, she kept picking up her toy cell phone to call Shu Shu (Uncle) Joe to babble her unique mix of Chinese and English. New bonds with family members formed or strengthened. Is there a better way to celebrate Thanksgiving?

Family Matters

Sunday August 30:

I’m fascinated at how Penelope can talk a mile a minute, yelling gleefully about something in her half-English, half-Chinese babble until you stick a cell phone to her ear. Suddenly, she becomes quieter than Marcel Marceau at a funeral Mass. The other day we attempted to gently chide Penelope to say something — babababab, IIEEEYYY, dit down (anything but a rousing FUCK!) — when her Nana called, but all she did was look at the phone, look at us, look at the phone.

This means if any out-of-state family members actually want to hear our daughter talk, they must see her in person.

I’m generally uncomfortable having visitors stay for several days. I remember the first night after Bernadette and I got back from our honeymoon, I kept waiting for her to go home. And, while I’m grateful she didn’t, I have never quite cured myself of this guest-a-phobia. I have a friend who always admonishes that guests are like fish: After three days, both start to stink. Now I have nothing against family or anyone else staying for a few days. But guests always put me a little on edge because I always have to be thinking. I can’t just roll out of bed at 3 a.m. and wander sleepily downstairs in my boxers for a glass of milk, or to watch an old black-and-white movie or an infomercial on the colon-cleanser.

My mother-in-law, her husband Benny and my sister-in-law Chris arrived a week ago Sunday from Buffalo, which I fondly refer to as “The Miami of the North.” Apparently, they raided every Children’s Place on their seven-hour journey because I think Penelope now has more clothes than Mariah Carey. Their generosity astounds me. My mother-in-law also whipped up enough pierogies and nalesnikis to feed Krakow. I’m grateful that she shies away from cooking the pig’s feet in vinegar jelly that I’ve seen at family gatherings. (I’ll eat some crazy stuff but vinegar jelly? Sounds almost as bad as pork roll!)

Here’s the basic outline of their week-long visit: Breakfast, clothes shopping for Penelope, visiting family, wine, dinner, bed. Now the order of events may differ from day to day — except wine never comes before breakfast — but you get the general idea. I’m working most of this week so I get home at the end of the day for the fashion show. Penelope adorns a new outfit and twirls around like Yasmeen Ghauri on a diet of Red Bull and Pixie Stixs.

Penelope has struggled to sleep through the night while the family visits which leads to the theory that she’s worried she’ll be leaving with the in-laws. Now granted, living in Buffalo would worry me too! But it’s a warm feeling to know Penelope wants to stay with us and isn’t upstairs packing a suitcase full of diapers and shoes.

One night over a dinner of potato pancakes, I find myself contemplating the joys and ravages of time. I’m seated at the head of the table and look to my left where Penelope is gobbling down her third pancake. I’m excited about our future together. Although I’m not rushing things, I look forward to when she’s a little older and her personality sprouts. I suspect she will become a bright, funny and beautiful girl and I can’t wait to experience all that. I look to my right and watch Benny, who turned 86 in May. His withered hand shakes as he brings his fork to his mouth. He doesn’t talk much anymore. It feels like only last week that Benny would dig in the garden all day and then come inside and chat incessantly about his favorite subjects. And, although those subjects were the grasses of North America and 14th century Polish churches, the animation in his eyes and voice was enough to hold my interest.

Earlier today, my wife’s niece, husband and five children — yes, I wrote FIVE children — arrived to spend the afternoon as the denouement to their Cape May vacation. Five other family members — including our niece Kim from Massachusetts and my brother Russ from Doylestown — were visiting, so our home was buzzing with voices and bulging with bodies. Penelope plays football with her older cousins in the front yard, shares her toys with her younger cousins, visits each of the adults with a book or toy. She’s already a better mingler than I. But then again, if I started showing up at parties with a toy or book, I’d just get funny looks. (Yes, funnier than the ones I usually get!)

I marvel at how everyone has embraced Penelope so warmly. I think back on when we first decided to adopt a girl from China — before we had told a soul — and wondered a little whether she would be treated differently because she looks different and has someone else’s blood running through her veins. None of that ever mattered. When a family opens its hearts, anything and everything is possible.

A Fair To Remember

Friday, August 21:

This misty evening Bernadette and I are wandering the 4-H fairgrounds with Penelope strapped in a carrier on my back. Two people love this backpack: Penelope and my chiropractor. As we walk, Penelope slurps on an ice cream cone, struggling to eat it. I’m in my forties and still face the same dilemma. She nibbles off the bottom of the cone. Ice cream drips down the back of my neck; yellow and orange sprinkles form the constellation Tucana in my (mostly) black hair.

I’m not the neatest of eaters, but ice cream down my back is a new sensation. One of the advantages of now having a toddler is when I push away from the dinner table I’m not the only one with food in my hair. So, as you can imagine, teaching a child how to eat properly isn’t my strongest suit. I tend to believe that wearing jeans is like wearing a giant napkin. I don’t own a shirt without a tiny brown smudge from a morning incident involving coffee and my automobile. In one particularly egregious example, I was eating cottage cheese at work when I started coughing. For some unfathomable reason, as cottage cheese sputtered from my mouth, I spun my head around and did an impersonation of a lawn sprinkler.

We started this evening at the fair by heading immediately to the pens holding cattle, sheep and goats, which naturally makes our little carnivore hungry. Our next stop, therefore, is the food lane, where we load up on corn dogs, cheese fries, a gyro, a sausage and peppers sandwich the size of a wiffle ball bat, and lemonade. (Official disclaimer as demanded by the Mrs.: We don’t usually eat this way for dinner every night, but we were at the 4-H fair and thought it’d be appropriate.) We’re hoping this is enough food for us all, but Penelope is a bottomless pit. I was pleased to hear China declare a few days ago that its food shortage had ended.

So, we find a picnic bench near the bandstand where “Beatlemania Again” — the name just cracks me up every time I think about it — breaks into a rousing septuagenarian version of “She Loves You.” Here’s how the meal proceeds: Penelope takes a bite of a corn dog, gets 60 percent in her mouth, 10 percent on the picnic table and 30 percent hits the ground. I bite into the sandwich. Peppers and sauce squirt onto my jeans. Penelope tries to eat a piece of hot dog that’s fallen onto the table, and I knock over the lemonade trying to stop her. Penelope bites into a French fry and cheese winds up in her hair. It’s my turn; now there’s cheese on my chin.

Bern looks baffled. “Really? This is the example you’re setting for our daughter?”

I adopt a dopey sheepish look on my face — the same one I’ve been using regularly for the past 18 years. I do what any mature adult would, blame the kid: “She keeps bouncing around on my lap. It’s like eating during an earthquake.”

Bern spots a slathering of thick processed cheese sludge on my elbow and frowns. “You don’t need a bib. You need a tarp.” We finish “eating” and I carry Penelope over to an outdoor Porta-John sink so we can bathe. We splash around in the water to “Twist and Shout” before I slide Penelope into the carrier and hoist her onto my back. Ten minutes later, she’s hungry again, so we’re standing on line for ice cream.

As we wait, I watch a gaggle of teenage girls pass by in shorts and canvas Chucks. I know someday, when Penelope’s a teen, she’ll come here with her friends, and I’ll be sitting at home with Bern, who will no doubt have a mildly amused look on her face because there will be pizza sauce in my ear.

Penelope yanks her pink baseball cap off her head and drops it on mine, giggling all the while. My back is barking from carrying her around all evening. I don’t mind a bit.

After darkness slides across the skyline the fireworks show begins. Bern, Penelope and I head to the car, open the hatch and climb into the back to watch. The fireworks boom beyond the treeline. Penelope nestles between us, and I notice she’s touching us both.

Black dog days

Tuesday, August 18:

(Note: This entry is a bit of a downer, so feel free to skip it. I promised to share the good, the bad and the ugly in this blog and life isn’t always sunshine and lollipops. The next few blogs are goofy — promise!)

The last few days have been difficult and have culminated with perhaps one of the worst days in my life since my uncle was murdered seven years ago. I guess in some ways I’m fortunate that bad news and bad tidings have often bypassed me like a stranger. Recently, fears of the responsibilities I have signed up for continually crash down upon me.

One lesson I quickly learned these past few days: Although you’re focused on raising your child, problems and tragedies from other directions in your life won’t cease. An elderly parent in bad health, the personal problems of your loved ones, a sick pet and so forth, still happen. Sometimes bad times come in heaps, and there’s nothing you can do about them except deal with it. And, unfortunately, I’m not dealing with it very well.

But every problem faded into the background this afternoon. Bernadette called an ambulance today after doubling over from severe stomach pains. Our neighbor was kind enough to rush to our home to watch our daughter. I dropped everything at work, stopped home to check on Penelope and hurried to the hospital.

As an aside, I always wonder about this: Is it OK to have the CD player blasting when you are rushing to the hospital? And, if so, is some music more appropriate than others? Just wondering…

Waiting in the emergency room, all the feelings of anxiety and worry that I’ve been experiencing for the past few days are welling up inside. As I contemplate everything, I feel like I’m losing my balance. It’s much like the disoriented feeling you get when, after enjoying a matinee in a dark theater, you swing open the door and are blinded by a bright summer sun. I’ve been feeling like that all the time lately. I feel unprepared to handle the problems that confront me; my judgment is off and yet I fumble onwards.

About an hour later, Bern is led into a back room where a nurse starts examining her. The cause of her illness is a mystery, but she is in intense pain and is given a morphine drip in her IV.

Bern looks at the morphine drip, then looks at me, worried. What if this is something serious? she asks. What if this is stomach cancer? I don’t know what to say. All the fears I’ve had of being a parent rush forward, all the times lately that I’ve taken Bern for granted, and all the mistakes that I’ve been making lately roar back. I realize what I lose if I lose her. Stupid and horrible and rotten of me to only realize it sitting in an emergency room of a hospital. And, if her fears are true, will I be able to raise this little girl on my own? Can I handle it? I’d never considered the possibility of that happening.

I step outside surrounded by smokers — smoking outside an emergency room is something I’ll never understand — plop down on the curb for a few moments to collect myself then head back inside. Bern’s feeling a little better — God bless morphine! — and we start to chat, aimlessly at first but suddenly we start discussing our lives together and what we want to do with them. With potential tragedy lurking in the corridors of our lives, we start making plans. We’re tired of New Jersey; we’ve lived here most our lives. We love our neighbors and friends but most of our family is gone from the area. We want Penelope to have as full a life as possible, and we want to move on.

“We talked about moving to Chicago someday. Maybe we should reconsider that.” Bern and I both love Chicago — the winters (yes, the winters), the culture, the music, the parks, the Blackhawks. (OK, maybe the last one is more for me.) We talk about the type of townhouse we want, the neighborhoods we’re interested in and so forth. We allow ourselves to dream of a different life. Perhaps a better life for us.

The doctor enters. He says Bern has either a really bad case of gastro-esophageal reflux disease, or gall stones. Twin sighs of relief. Silently — and clumsily thanks to her morphine buzz — Bern dresses, and I collect her belongings.

Sometimes it’s downright scary how we can lose sight of our true selves. We struggle to accept change and to understand what’s right and wrong in our lives. We make mistakes. We pray for forgiveness and try to make amends. We hope our loved ones and friends will find the compassion in their hearts to recognize our shortcomings and see the goodness that sometimes gets buried within when we temporarily lose our way. We also learn about who really cares and who really counts: When the chips are down, they stick with you no matter what.

The next day I’m driving from work, but rather than head immediately home, I detour down a side street and park in front of a church. I enter, kneel and pray. I don’t typically go to church so I’m expecting a minister to chase me out at any moment. The following day, I pull up in front of a bar, Hillbilly Hall, and step inside for a beer. Again, I find myself praying. I guess I’m covering all my bases. But, somehow, somewhere, I know everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.

The Wiggle Worm and The Hungry Caterpillar

Friday, August 14, 2009:  


There’s something about a diaper that turns Penelope into Reed Richards of Fantastic Four fame. Reed Richards — for those of you who didn’t grow up in a house full of comic books — is a guy who, due to an accident in outer space, can stretch his limbs and bend his body in all directions at once. As soon as I slap a diaper beneath Penelope, she spins, swirls, turns, jukes and dips like an NFL running back in the open field. I stab furiously with the tape on the back of the diaper only to watch it stick to her armpit or kneecap. Eventually, using two hands, one leg and my forehead, I’m able to hold the wiggle worm steady for a few seconds, long enough to pin the diaper on. It doesn’t quite look right, but as long as I can get her pants on so her mother won’t know, it’s all good.

Each day, I learn something new about my daughter and about being a father. I worry constantly about screwing up the job. As Penelope raises her arms so I can slip her shirt on I say, “Oh fuck, get your shirt on. Our guest is here.” Naturally I’m mortified, and I now believe the next word out of Penelope’s mouth will be a resounding, cheerful “FUCK!” (She’ll probably say it as soon as she plops down on my mother’s lap.) And naturally, I follow that sentence with “Oh shit! I can’t believe I just said that!” Sometimes, I am truly hopeless.

One thing I’m trying to figure out about our daughter is how she gets along with the two dogs and cat in our home. The four-page question-and-answer form from the adoption agency ambiguously claims: “She likes dogs and cats.” However, whenever the dogs enter the room, Penelope starts yelling “Ah! Ah!” as though she’s either very afraid or her diaper’s on backwards. Umm, forget I wrote that. Anyway, her behavior with the dogs has led to the conclusion that either: A) She doesn’t really like dogs and cats and the folks at the adoption agency were being polite because they knew we had dogs and a cat; B) She likes dogs and cats from a distance, say, from across a street where she can point and yell excitedly without the possibility of sloppy wet tongues kissing her face or snarfing her food; C) She likes dogs and cats fresh out of the oven, steaming over a plate of stir-fried carrots and onions. Option C is the reason why, a while back when we were compiling a photo album of pictures of Bern and I and our home to send to Penelope in China, we were careful not to take a picture of the pets in the kitchen. We didn’t want Penelope to get the wrong idea.

Learning about Penelope’s likes and dislikes, and how she communicates are challenging. We discover that when she rubs her chest and says “Bao!” it means she’s had enough food; that she’s “full”. “Nin Yan Yaoh!” means walk her to the bathroom; a frantic “Nin Yan Yaoh!!” means you better pick her up and run. In turn, we teach Penelope how to give a thumbs up, how to play Patty Cake and how to toast. (Don’t worry, we’re not filling her sippy cup with wine.) She’s picking up English words like “Open please!” when she wants the nipple taken off her bottle. She listens and understands far more English words than she speaks.

Several guests arrive at our home this first week. Earlier today, Dawn arrived armed with puzzles and a little stuffed beagle toy. Dawn had heard how our beagles frightened Penelope and thought a stuffed dog would help. As Penelope opens her gifts, I think how a few years down the road we’ll all take her to hockey games and teach her the sport.  And I think how someday our little girl will grow up and live a long healthy life (I hope), and how she’ll take her kids to hockey games or, say, nursery rhymes. We may teach Penelope seemingly innocuous rhymes and games, but she will carry them through the next 80 years, long after we’re all dust.

Later, before bedtime, Penelope and I snuggle into the big pink chair in her bedroom to read about the hungry caterpillar as it wiggles its way through food until it becomes a beautiful butterfly. As Penelope nestles besides me, I think how someday my daughter, too, will grow into a beautiful butterfly. And I think about how she is already wiggling her way into my heart.

Penelope slides off my lap and onto the bed just as Bern pops her head into the doorway. Bern raises her eyebrows, “Why does her butt look so lumpy?”

We’re Outta Here!

Thursday, August 6:

I haven’t slept in 32 hours and I’m on a 14-hour flight from Beijing to Newark and I’m six-foot-two-inches tall trying to sleep in a space where I couldn’t hang a sock without it wrinkling and I’ve got some jackass in front of me who first thing he did when he got on the plane was recline his seat as far back as possible and of course I’ve got some kid behind me who’s kicking my seat but I’m thinking to myself that this is the first flight where I might actually get even with these passengers because I’ve got a two-year-old girl next to me with a healthy set of lungs and I’m betting at some point she screams on this flight and I hope it annoys the freaking beejezus out of these people and makes up for all the years I’ve had to sit by obnoxious adults on an airplane so I watch a Japanese movie called “Departures” then “Annie Hall” because I forgot Christopher Walken was in it, then the “French Connection” and finally some crappy movie that just came out called “17 Again” because I’m thinking I’ll sleep if I watch something I’m not interested in but watching a bad movie reminds me of an episode of a TV show “Ghost Whisperer” that Bernadette watches and in this one episode there’s a plane crash and the people on the plane wind up wandering the earth together and I’m thinking if this plane crashes and I have to spend eternity with these pinheads I will definitely kill myself but wait, I’m already dead so now I’m totally screwed…

Did I mention I’ve been up for the past 32 hours?

LATER, MUCH LATER: I think the feeling of exhaustion is circular rather than linear because you just reach a point when you are so tired that you’re awake. I hit that point at Newark Airport as we waited for the customs official to stamp Penelope’s passport making her a U.S. citizen. We gather our luggage. Our friends Nick and Amy and their two children meet us at the airport. Nick suggests we stop for Chinese food on the way home. Bern and I look at each other nervously. I consider opening the sliding door of the minivan and splattering myself across the interstate. Bern, more rational than I, simply begs off.

We arrive home and the place is festooned with balloons, banners, flowers, crepe paper streamers and food for the next few days, courtesy of Amy and another neighbor, Karen. We’re home five minutes when Karen, her husband James and their son show up on our doorstep. I wonder if Amy has a bat signal rigged to the top of their car but I learn later that Amy employs the much more conventional cellphone when I’m not looking. I open a nice bottle of red wine I’ve been saving for a special occasion, and we toast.

We all walk to Karen’s barn so Penelope can pet the horses and get scared out of her wits by their German Shepherd. I imagine Penelope snatching my cellphone, contacting the Chinese embassy and demanding she be immediately returned to the Mother country.

Darkness clings to the tree branches and the older children are dancing around the backyard with sparklers. I’m holding my daughter as the night begins in our first day in America.

The day is ending, yet a new day has begun.

Shamian Island (Or Let’s F–k with Jordan)

The streets of Shamian Island have a bride and groom on every corner. At first glance you think it must be the most romantic place in the world — all these gorgeous brides running about with perfectly coiffed hair, glamorous make-up and dressed in the most fashionable gowns imaginable. On their arm is a handsome young man wearing an immaculate tuxedo. They look as though they just stepped out of a catalog.

Then you notice something amiss.

It’s the shoes. The brides run about in cheap yellow flip-flops; the bridegrooms in scuffed up shoes or sneakers. Then it hits me: They aren’t stepping out of a catalog; they are stepping into one.

Shamian Island is all about the commerce. While there are several fashionable bridal shops and boutiques, the bulk of the retail business is geared toward schlubs like Bernadette and I: foreigners with adopted toddlers, wandering the streets killing time before their appointment with the U.S. Consulate. Retailers try to persuade you to kill that time by shopping for chotchkies. And of all the chotchkie peddlers on Shamian Island no one is quite like Jordan.

Jordan has a built-in radar detector enabling him to find foreign families with toddlers. He patrols the neighborhood streets — seemingly everywhere at once — encouraging parents to visit his store. On our first day on Shamian Island, a genial Jordan is waiting for us, an armful of advertising brochures and a mouthful of questions: How long are you here? What’s her name? You like Guangzhou? You want to come to my store? We politely answer his questions as we pass by. But an hour later, we bump into Jordan on another street and he asks all the same questions. Early in the afternoon, we replay this scene a third time.

The next day, we take a different route along the island and, sure enough, there’s Jordan yet again. He chases us a block, asks his questions and urges us to visit his store again. As he walks away, an idea pops in my head. Hours later we’re returning to our hotel when I see Jordan hurrying down the street. I urge my wife in the opposite direction. When Jordan returns to his post on the street corner, I turn back around. Jordan spots us and hurries in our direction. I pretend to be distracted by something behind us and persuade Bern to turn back. Jordan stands, arms akimbo in the middle of the street then rushes back to the corner.

I spin around again. Bern looks disgusted. “Knock it off. For that alone, we should go to his store. He’s a nice man.”

“Yea, but this is fun.”

Eventually, we duck our heads into Jordan’s shop and wander about. He has some beautiful placemats and chopstick sets. He does Penelope’s name in calligraphy and is exceedingly gracious when our daughter accidentally spills Cheerios on the floor. He picks up a toy cellphone, squints at some fine print on the back. “Hmm, made in China,” he says. “You know, I can’t get this here. Seriously.”

Besides shopping, Shamian Island offers Bern and I the time to learn about Penelope. I love how opening the hotel room curtains prompts her to raise her arms above her head and cheer, “YAY!” After winning freedom from the captivity of her crib, Penelope first heads to the radio, turns it on and starts dancing. OK, sometimes she’s dancing to a talk show, but I think of how I crawl out of bed grousing at the world and realize there’s a lesson for me to learn here.

Unfortunately, the second thing Penelope does in the morning is reach for the notepad and endless supply of sharpened pencils the maid service continuously brings to our room. Each morning we snatch a pencil from Penelope’s hand and hide it atop the television. Hours later, the maid service cleans the room and replaces the hidden pencil, forcing us to add the new pencil to our stash atop the TV. This process repeats several times during the day and night until we have a small pile of pencils in the room. Since the maid seemingly doesn’t understand that we’re not collecting sharp pencils, Bern sticks a crayon on top of the notepad with a note (written in crayon) that reads: “No pencils please.” We return to our room hours later to find a brand-spanking new razor sharp pencil resting on the notepad.
“Thank God, the scissors factory is closed or we’d have a real problem on our hands,” I mutter.

This is the most unfriendly-to-kids kids hotel I’ve ever seen. There are dozens upon dozens of steps in the lobby, a number of expensive breakable items at kneecap level, and a kiddie pool that’s impossible to find without a map and a guide. Or maybe I’m just cranky because I want to retrieve our paperwork at the consulate’s office and go home. There’s talk of a typhoon hitting China soon (it eventually hits two days after we leave).

Bern and I are eager to start our new lives together with our daughter back home.